How to cope with divorce when you feel completely overwhelmed.

The thing about feeling overwhelmed is that it is circular.

You feel thrown by something that has jolted you out of your comfort zone. So you start looking for solutions. The solutions are hard to find. Now you find yourself becoming as overwhelmed by the task of resolving the problem as you are by the problem itself.

This is often one of the hardest parts of coping with separation or divorce: every direction you look in seems to present another problem.

The past is painful to look at. The future is uncertain. The present feels extraordinarily uncomfortable because of both these facts.

Normality – a time when you could exist on autopilot, perhaps not happy, but not sad and afraid either, just bobbing along – seems like paradise.

“I want to go back to that,” you bemoan, quietly – perhaps more as a feeling than a thought.

But part of you knows that, in fact, the past was not as rosy as it appears now. Part of you knows that this time of uncertainty is something you need to experience before you can move on and through it. Part of you knows that challenge can lead to growth, growth to strength, and strength, eventually, to peace.

But right now, while that idea of peace and growth feel out of reach, and possibly a little bit like they could be wishy washy wellness theories, what can you actually do to feel better?

Right now, in the thick of all this pain and uncertainty and anger and chaos and mess, how can you feel OK? How can you steady yourself amid this constantly changing landscape of emotions and practical circumstances? How can you trust that the future will be better?

Perhaps the question of how to get through a divorce is the wrong question to ask. Perhaps the questions are:

How can I live knowing that everything has the potential to change beyond recognition?

How can I do anything knowing that, at any point, everything can be lost?

How can I plan, prepare, or get excited about anything in life, knowing that none of the outcomes I want is ever guaranteed?

This is the thing about separation and divorce. They make painfully present the truth that we all live with, but mostly pay little attention to:

At any point in life, something can happen that changes everything.

You are in the thick of being reminded of this fact, but it is true for us all.

So how do you cope?

Not by finding a way to guarantee that nothing else will change. You can’t.

You cope by discovering that uncertainty itself is survivable. That you can feel frightened, furious, disoriented, and deeply sad, without losing yourself entirely.

The steadiness you need does not come from knowing what will happen next. Or from getting the answers or ‘that’ apology.

It comes from learning that, whatever happens next, you will still be here.

Separation or divorce is not necessarily a time to begin again, but a time to become completely present, aware, and intentional with your life.

With your old relationship gone – and perhaps your relationships with your children being forced to change shape as a result – you have a chance to reconsider who you are and how you want to show up.

You have a chance to meet yourself outside the identity of your previous relationship. You have an opportunity to rebuild, mindfully.

Many people sleepwalk through their lives.

You have been jolted awake.

At first, it feels unpleasant.

Unsettling.

But slowly, as your eyes open and the grogginess of sleep wears off, you may begin to see something you could not see before.

Not that this happened for a reason. Not that you should be grateful for it.

But that there is life here.

Your life.

And while now does not have to be a time to begin again, it can be the time to be again.

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If you are trying to find your way through separation or divorce, I offer one-to-one support. You can find out more here.